TRIGGER WARNING
Child sexual abuse
Greetings, foster mammies and daddies!
And welcome back to Adventures of a Biological Foster Child in Ireland. If you’ve been here before, you may be starting to get the gist of things, and if you haven’t, don’t worry about it! To learn more about My Child and Fostering Ireland, check out the homepage and the welcome blog. As this blog is still brand new and finding its feet, it might also be worth your while checking out the pilot blog, too, to get a feel for what kind of topics are explored, and what kind of themes will be followed. I would like to take a moment to remind you of the trigger warning listed just under the title. This week I will be discussing trauma, and childhood victims of sexual abuse. The anecdote I am drawing from for this topic has been largely fictionalised, and the personal details of the child in question have been changed drastically in order to protect their identity and integrity to the fullest extent. So, without further ado, let’s get started.
I’ll admit, I’ve been tiptoeing around the hard stuff these last few weeks; I’ve been trying to ease you into it slowly, to break the ice as one would do over a pint in the local pub. After one you’re talking politely, getting to know the surface that covers what lies beneath. After three pints, well, you start to dig a little deeper. This week, seeing as we are officially broaching topic (pint) number three, I’ve decided that it’s time to dig.
Trauma. What is it? How do we navigate it? How do we bring a child into our home who has experienced a form of trauma while sheltering our own children?
Let’s give trauma a name. Trudy. Trudy is the ten-year-old twin and Peter-Pan-like shadow of foster child Haley, who Patty has accepted as a placement for two weeks. When Haley trudges through the door at eight o’clock in the evening Trudy is hot on her heels.
“Who is this?” Patty asks, unaware that she had accepted a placement for two children, rather than one. The social worker can see Trudy, too.
“This is Haley’s trauma, Trudy.” The social worker says. “You must not show her to your children. I’ve already chatted to her about it, and she said she’ll try her best not to show Trudy to them.”
Patty understands, and so guides Haley through to the kitchen where Sophie and Naoise are watching the Simpsons. Patty introduces them (click here to explore the topic of introductions!) and she can see that they are oblivious to Trudy’s presence. But as she gets a closer look at Trudy, she notices a glint in the shadow girl’s eye and realises that she may not be visible right now, but there’s something of a leak about the glass case she is concealed in. As Haley settles down on to the sofa, Patty makes a decision to keep a close eye on the girls for the next two weeks.
In the meantime, Trudy and Haley have to find a way to settle into this strange environment. Trudy is quite the opposite of Haley, who is a quiet, shy and wonderfully sweet girl. Trudy torments Haley from behind her shoulder. When the girls are playing in the kitchen, Trudy makes Haley drink five glasses of juice and then locks the door to the bathroom until Haley can hold it no longer. Sophie was sure she had seen another hand helping Haley drink. She asked Patty about it later.
“Mam, why couldn’t Haley hold her bladder earlier?”
Patty thought for a minute, and then replied.
“Well, honey, you know the way Peter Pan has a shadow?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, Haley has a shadow, too. And she’s a trickster. Sometimes she comes up with tricks, and Haley has accidents because of it.”
“What kind of tricks, Mam?”
“Trudy Tricks! Nobody knows how she comes up with them.”
Sophie seemed to accept this, and things continued as normal.
A few days later, Naoise found Haley in the kitchen with a pair of scissors; she was cutting off her hair! Naoise was sure she had seen another girl that looked just like Haley. She was holding a mirror up so that Haley could see what she was doing. When the danger had been avoided and Haley went with her social worker on a trip to the hairdressers, Naoise approached Patty.
“Mam, why did Haley cut her hair?”
Patty thought for a minute, and then replied.
“Well, honey, you know the way Peter Pan has a shadow?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, Haley has a shadow, too. And she’s a trickster. Sometimes she comes up with tricks, and Haley has accidents because of it.”
“What kind of tricks, Mam?”
“Trudy Tricks! Nobody knows how she comes up with them.”
Naoise seemed to accept this, and things continued as normal.
But Patty was worried about Haley, and the embarrassment Trudy was causing her in front of Sophie and Naoise. She was also worried about the effect Trudy’s tricks might be having on her girls. Haley had already had two accidents, and Trudy was gearing up for more.
Folks, when you begin your fostering journey, you will be taking care of children with every kind of trauma known to man. You will find yourself faced with adversity that may scare you, and I warn you now that if you feel you are not prepared and motivated to deal with Trudy Tricksters, then you need to do some workshops and build your mental strength.
Haley was a victim of sexual abuse, and the accidents that Trudy fabricated for her were caused by the adverse effect that her abuse had on her childhood development. Trudy caused behavioural issues, stunted learning abilities and confusing dialogue. When I was out in the estate playing with Haley one day, she pointed at a man on the main road and said, “There’s my r*pist.”
She was ten. I was the same age as her and I had never heard the word r*pe before. And yet she was wise beyond her years in the subject of what goes in the life of a mature woman, and suddenly Trudy had stepped out from behind her and introduced herself to me with an outstretched hand. I took it and shook it, tentatively, and then I ran inside and told my mam.
What you need to understand is that your children are so incredibly resilient, and that what they have heard from the children you are fostering hasn’t happened to them. Trauma is not transferrable. It can’t be handed out and consumed and absorbed like a packet of crisps. They are not going to spontaneously manifest a Trudy of their own and begin replicating the accidents Trudy likes to cause. But they are going to ask questions, and you are going to have to answer them. I was an absolute plague to my mother when it came to questions, and often times she would have to cut me off with a stern ‘stop asking’ in order to protect the integrity of the foster child. When I look back now at situations like Haley’s and how they affected me, I can say with confidence that I do not recall those memories with a negative feeling in my chest. In fact, I recall them with a sense of gratitude that I was able to be there for that child. I was grateful they looked at me and felt that they could tell me something like that, and I had such a strong relationship with my mother that I always felt I could tell her, and she would always have an answer (God love her, though, she probably wasn’t ready for half of the stories I came out with).
And with all of this being said, Trudy will not be bounding in the door in full costume after every child that enters your home for a temporary stay. Sometimes she will be nothing but a distant shadow, able only to poke annoyingly at the foster child every now and then. Sometimes she may not even be there. However, I wanted to broach this topic as one that will be explored again in the future, as I remember the days when Patty and I would do group sessions with foster parents in training, and this was a question that came up time and time again. I’m also hoping, down the line, to have Patty give her own say on this topic, because I know how difficult it can be to explain these things to young children, and she has over twenty years of experience doing it.
To conclude, I hope I haven’t scared you off! Please be reassured that everything will be fine when Trudy does come to visit, and that your kids will be able to handle her with fisticuffs if needs be. The fostering organisation you are with are aware of your own home life, and they will always do everything in their power to ensure that the placements you take on are as good a fit for your family as is possible. Advice is waiting for you at every corner, and remember: it is always ok to say no. Your link worker will tell you absolutely everything you need to know about the trauma a child has endured, including any behavioural and developmental issues that have been identified. And as long as you are on the list there will always be someone who needs a temporary family to help get them back on track.
I hope you were able to gain some new knowledge and enjoy this week in spite of the sensitivity of the topic. Thank you so much for reading; I’ve noticed the numbers are climbing steadily each week and I am so happy that the audience is expanding! Please don’t be afraid to request a topic to be explored; I won’t ever reveal (unless you would like me to) the names of the people who submit their questions, and besides, I want to tailor this blog to suit you.
On that note, if you have any questions about this week’s blog, or if you’d like to suggest a new topic for my next post, please feel free to ask through the question portal. As always I would like to extend a huge thanks to Kerry over at Orchard Fostering for supporting this blog! You can find out more about Orchard by visiting the homepage.
‘Til next time,
Naoise
Naoise McGuinness 